Homeward Bound

Home is where the heart is. At least, that’s what I’ve always heard throughout the years. But I find that as I grow up, it’s becoming harder and harder to define home. I used to be so sure of it, my home, where my parents are and there’s always home cooked meals and laughs to be had. Dad’s usually hidden behind the door waiting to torture (in the best way), mom gets home from work exhausted but loving. This is what I’ve known, this is who I’ve been, and this is what defined me. But suddenly a wrench is thrown in to my simple scenario. All of a sudden home is less cut and dry. I leave for the real world, my parents’ move from my high school home, and all of a sudden I’m sent on a tailspin. Is San Francisco my home? The Salinas Valley? Although my perspectives change more rapidly than a speeding train, for now, home is with the people I love. I love my roommates, I love San Francisco. I love the smell, the fast-paced way people go about their days, and the beautiful view from Lone Mountain. I love Spicer reservoir, canoeing and soaking up the sun without a care in the world. I love Arroyo Seco, and finally beginning to understand why John Steinbeck wrote about it as “a little piece of heaven.” I love Carmel Valley, between the roads of Boronda and Laureles Grade. I love a person in Riverside, Santa Barbara, Eugene, Davis, Mazatlán, and everywhere in between. So I guess, for now, home is all over the place. This weekend, home will be with my family. Home will mean waking up in my bed next to a sister who doesn’t share blankets and waking up to a David & Sonia making breakfast upstairs. But since not everyone I love will be there, part of me will be just like Simon & Garfunkel. Eternally, homeward bound.

I'm sitting in the railway station.
Got a ticket for my destination.
On a tour of one-night stands my suitcase and guitar in hand.
And every stop is neatly planned for a poet and a one-man band.

Homeward bound,
I wish I was,
Homeward bound,
Home where my thought's escaping,
Home where my music's playing,
Home where my love lies waiting
Silently for me.

Every day's an endless stream
Of cigarettes and magazines.
And each town looks the same to me, the movies and the factories
And every stranger's face I see reminds me that I long to be,

Homeward bound,
I wish I was,
Homeward bound,
Home where my thought's escaping,
Home where my music's playing,
Home where my love lies waiting
Silently for me.

Tonight I'll sing my songs again,
I'll play the game and pretend.
But all my words come back to me in shades of mediocrity
Like emptiness in harmony I need someone to comfort me.

Homeward bound,
I wish I was,
Homeward bound,
Home where my thought's escaping,
Home where my music's playing,
Home where my love lies waiting
Silently for me.

Silently for me.

Jane Says

So with this song, I'm about to delve into the realm of addiction. Clearly, when talking about a Jane's Addiction song, it would be appropriate. My all time favorite Jane's Addiction song is the beautiful Jane Says. The song basically illustrates her difficulty kicking a habit, in her case, a drug. Although I can't relate with the need to kick a drug, I always feel extremely connected to these lyrics.

One of the main reasons is because, from my interactions and from the interactions I witness through my friends, I think we all have an addict inside. Our vices come in all shapes and sizes. For me, I find myself drawn to people and feeling an almost pathological need for social outlets. It's almost as though the second someone leaves the room I feel empty and alone. That's part of the reason I do this- an outlet to keep my racing mind busy with writing. Although many people have far more serious vices, I think that the main thing that makes these lyrics so understandable is the need to kick a habit that Jane just can't seem to kick.

From the perspective of an outsider, it's just so frustrating. You can sense the longing in Perry Farrell's voice to help this self-destructive Jane. You can feel Jane's desperation increasing as she promises to kick the habit. It's a vicious, twisted cycle where no one wins. Jane seems like she wants to climb out of her own skin.

The theme that strikes me most is when Jane is speaking of the lack of love in her life. It's so depressing, but I feel like I know exactly how she feels. With being a young girl in this society, you never really know what love is. And you feel like you might, but then once the relationship or fling or whatever it was is over, you can't help but wonder if the other person ever loved you at all. Although Jane's problems most likely stem from abusive relationships with men, a lack of love at home, or whatever else it is that lead her to this masochistic lifestyle. Sometimes I can't help but wonder, if even on a much smaller scale, if all women have a little sadist's in us.

And with that, I leave you to enjoy Jane Says. Whether it be the lyrics, Farrell's unique voice that manifests itself in your mind, or simply the tune, the whole package is sublime.

Jane says

I'm done with Sergio

He treats me like a ragdoll

She hides

The television

Says "i don't owe him nothing,

But if he comes back again

Tell him to wait right here for me or,

Try again tomorrow"

"I'm gonna kick tomorrow..."

"I'm gonna kick tomorrow..."

Jane says

"Have you seen my wig around?

I feel naked without it"

She knows

They all want her to go

But that's ok man

She don't like them anyway

Jane says

"I'm going away to spain when i get my money saved

I'm gonna start tomorrow"

"I'm gonna kick tomorrow..."

"I'm gonna kick tomorrow..."

She gets mad

And she starts to cry

Takes a swing but she can't hit!

She don't mean no harm

She just don't know...

What else to do about it

Jane goes

To the store at eight

She walks up on st. andrews

She waits

And gets her dinner there

She pulls her dinner

From her pocket

Jane says

"I've never been in love - no"

She don't know what it is

She only knows if someone wants her

"I only want 'em if they want me,..."

"I only know they want me..."

Jane says...

Shooting Star

So now I'm officially back in my second year of college, and I have

to admit that I'm just as confused this year as I was last year. You'd expect to have gained some insight or knowledge throughout the first year, but I guess I'm still waiting. I keep waiting for that light bulb to go off and realize- oh! that's why I'm here and that's what I want to pursue! Of course I have to recognize that probably every other college student is feeling similarly, but I guess that my main issue is passion. I found that any passions I had experienced in high school, anything I truly liked to do has been squashed with my college career. Now, this isn't the fault of my school, or the institution of college in general; this boils down to my problem, and the problem that so many students are probably facing as well.

Now passion for me used to stem from my music. I loved playing the piano, sitting down and figuring out songs. I even composed some pieces, although I was never able to put together lyrics. My few attempts consisted of vague statements about the people around me, and they usually ended in rhyme which is never good. Maybe my passion for lyrics stems from the fact that I am utterly unable to come up with any for myself? Regardless of all of this, my point is that I absolutely love music. Now in here lies my dilemma: music is about as unrealistic of a career path as one can choose. I can recognize that I obviously have some talents in the musical realm (thanks in no small part to my father, who possesses more musical talent in his pinky than most people do in their entire bodies). But I'm nothing extraordinary, nothing you-tube worthy. Certainly no Annie Lennox or Carly Simon. So either I could go to Hollywood or somewhere equally "dreamy", attempt to make it, and most likely end up going back to school for a teaching degree or waiting tables.

Clearly the most sensible option is to continue on the route that I am currently headed. Four year university, degree, and get a sensible job that I have absolutely no enthusiasm for. This might sound bleak or pessimistic, but I prefer to see it as a realist perspective. I want to make enough money to eventually settle in to the lifestyle that I want. So that one day I can travel and see the world or have children or do whatever it is that I choose. The fact remains that I want the financial comfort to be able to do that.

So where am I going with this? Well the other day while in my room this lovely tune came on my itunes. Oddly enough, I was weirdly comforted by this song. It made me think back to all of these things that have been plaguing my mind, and brought me a serene sense of peace in my decision making. Despite the glory of being famous and being able to do something that I love each and every day, so much negativity can be brought on from that lifestyle. So many pressures, so much uncertainty, such negative social patterns. It is this song that makes me glad that I attend a four year university, that I take classes, and most importantly that I have the possibility for a fulfilling and normal life.

Sorry to ramble and tangent there, but hey, if you gained any insight, then great. If not, thanks for attending this little internal session. So please, enjoy this beautiful song by Bad Company. And please, if you haven't heard it, listen to it (the same goes for all the songs). I love them all.

Johnny was a schoolboy when he heard his first Beatle song,

'Love me do,' I think it was. From there it didn't take him long.

Got himself a guitar, used to play every night,

Now he's in a rock 'n' roll outfit,

And everything's all right, don't you know?

Johnny told his mama, hey, 'Mama, I'm goin' away. I'm gonna hit the big

time, gonna be a big star someday', Yeah.

Mama came to the door with a teardrop in her eye.

Johnny said, 'Don't cry, mama, smile and wave good-bye'.

Don't you know, yeah yeah, Don't you know that you are a shooting star,

Don't you know, don't you know. Don't you know that you are

a shooting star, And all the world will love you just as long,

As long as you are.

Johnny made a record, Went straight up to number one,

Suddenly everyone loved to hear him sing the song.

Watching the world go by, surprising it goes so fast.

Johnny looked around him and said, 'Well, I made the big time at last'.

Don't you know, don't you know, Don't you know that you are

a shooting star,

Don't you know, oh, yeah, Don't you know that you are

a shooting star, yeah,

And all the world will love you just as long,

As long as you are, a shooting star.

Don't you know that you are a shooting star, Don't you know, yeah,

Don't you know that you are a shooting star, now,

And all the world will love you just as long, As long you are you.

Johnny died one night, died in his bed, Bottle of whiskey,

sleeping tablets by his head. Johnny's life passed him by like a

warm summer day, If you listen to the wind you can still hear him play

Once In A Lifetime

Now that this amazing summer is coming to a close, I can’t help but start feeling the usual dread that school is approaching. In the past that meant losing sleep and aggravating assignments, but the older that I get the further I get from that reality. Now it means returning to work, bills, apartment issues and other issues the usual college student faces. What plagues me is that even though I seem stressed out now, the future is destined to be filled with harder work and added responsibility. A high-paying job, a beautiful home, an eventual divergence in paths between being a family woman or a career woman: all of these things will eventually come to the forefront and define the outcome of my life. Just putting this in print is making me dread the future and sends my mind reeling to a very negative place.

I can imagine how this comes off- a teenage pessimist- hardly unique with our generation. And I’m sure that I will look back on these times and laugh about the things that used to intimidate and overwhelm me. But I don’t bring this aspect of our culture up to be a half-empty kind of girl. I bring it up because, with all of these standards of success to measure up to, so with it brings a huge fear of mine. I have this fearful image in my mind that one day I’ll wake up, middle aged and completely settled, and be completely unhappy and unsatisfied with my life. This is a thought that keeps me up at night.

It is because of this that, lately, I have been so drawn to songs about the passage of time. While some songs reinforce these worries, others seem to quench them. One of these songs in particular is the Talking Heads classic “Once in a Lifetime”. This has been a favorite of mine for quite a while, with its fun uplifting beat and David Byrne’s unique and enthusiastic execution. Although the lyrics seem a jumbled mess upon first glance, I actually manage to find substantial meaning and clarity within its lines. I think it is a testament to the brilliance of the Talking Heads that everyone I encounter seems to interpret this song differently. It would be a shame for me to force my interpretations on to the cyber web before people take the time to find insight for themselves. But I would like to say, that the last line in particular seems to strike a chord with me and offer me assurance that the passage of time might just be something to embraced rather than feared.

You may find yourself living in a shotgun shack

You may find yourself in another part of the world

You may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile

You may find yourself in a beautiful house with a beautiful wife

You may ask yourself, well, how did I get here?

Letting the days go by, let the water hold me down

Letting the days go by, water flowing underground

Into the blue again after the money’s gone

Once in a lifetime, water flowing underground

You may ask yourself, how do I work this?

You may ask yourself, where is that large automobile?

You may tell yourself, this is not my beautiful house

You may tell yourself, this is not my beautiful wife

Letting the days go by, let the water hold me down

Letting the days go by, water flowing underground

Into the blue again after the money’s gone

Once in a lifetime, water flowing underground

Same as it ever was

Water dissolving and water removing

There is water at the bottom of the ocean

Remove the water, carry the water

Remove the water from the bottom of the ocean

Letting the days go by, let the water hold me down

Letting the days go by, water flowing underground

Into the blue again after the money’s gone

Once in a lifetime, water flowing underground

Into the blue again, into the silent water

Under the rocks and stones, there is water underground

Time isn’t holding us, time isn’t after us

Alone again, naturally

As I sift through the various blogs in the universe, I find myself at a crossroads. On the one hand, I find blogs to be entirely self-consuming and narcissistic. People spend countless hours on their keyboards writing out details of their lives or reeling over their various mistakes and triumphs. On the other hand, isn't that kind of the standard for our generation? In a time where we spend more time following the whereabouts of others on facebook, why not invest it in to something more therapeutic? It is for that reason that I have decided to take on the self-healing of having a blog.

As obnoxious as I might sound, I often feel my happiness when I find a song that so perfectly fits my mood. Because of this, I've decided to compile all of my favorite song lyrics. Sometimes they correspond with events in my life, sometimes they remind me of times that have passed, and other times they just take me to a happy place. My hope, although most likely a far fetched one, is that in some way they can comfort others the way they so often comfort me.

So tonight, I leave you with my first post. A classic by Gilbert O' Sullivan entitled, "Alone Again (Naturally)". I take something different from the lyrics every time, but I also tend to find the beauty in the bleak. If you get the chance, you should also look up the song itself. The tune is simple, yet so beautiful and timeless. Enjoy.

In a little while from now, if I'm not feeling any less sour

I promised myself to treat myself and visit a nearby tower,

And climbing to the top, will throw myself off

In an effort to make it clear to whoever what it's like when your shattered

Left standing in the lurch, at a church where people 're saying,

"My God that's tough, she stood him up! no point in us remaining

May as well go home." As I did on my own,

Alone again, naturally

To think that only yesterday I was cheerful, bright and gay

Looking forward to, but who wouldn't do, the role I was about to play

But as if to knock me down, reality came around

And without so much as a mere touch, cut me into little pieces

Leaving me to doubt all about God and His mercy

For if He really does exist why did He desert me

In my hour of need? I truly am indeed alone again, naturally

It seems to me that there are more hearts broken

In the world that can't be mended left unattended

What do we do? What do we do?

Now looking back over the years, and what ever else that appears

I remember I cried when my father died never wishing to have cried the tears

And at sixty-five years old, my mother, God rest her soul,

Couldn't understand, why the only man she had ever loved had been taken

Leaving her to start with a heart so badly broken

Despite encouragement from me no words were ever spoken

And when she passed away I cried and cried all day

Alone again, naturally